Ramblings of a Sick Woman

Hello Blogosphere!  My goodness, I have been wanting to write to you about so many things over these last weeks and just haven’t had the time.  The powers of the universe have now granted me the time to catch up with you, but I had to get a nasty little head cold to get the time off.  In fact, yesterday was spent working at home with a stack of paperwork from the store and the use of a remote access program to tap into the store computer from home.  I got a lot done despite the pile of Kleenex.  Today, my friends, is reserved for you.  OK, really, it’s reserved for me, but I choose to spend it with you.  I mean, I’m not going anywhere further than the kitchen for more chicken soup.  But you know what I mean.

There are so many things rattling around in my tiny mind that I want to share with you, I thought I’d try to address a few at once with little snippets in one blog post.  If my attempt to limit myself is unsuccessful, I apologize in advance.  How many words is in a snippet, anyway?

Not Your Average Hip-Hop Fan

I was driving down the street last week, slowing as I approached a red light.  I hear a ‘rolling sound system’ coming up from the rear.  As the offending vehicle pulls alongside me, I do a double take.  Serious rap music, subcompact white late-model car, white female driver – 30-something, severe librarian hairdo, somewhat overweight, doctor’s office-type uniform – groovin’ to the beat.  There was just something so incongruous about my visual and auditory perceptions in that moment – the music just didn’t go with the picture.  It got me thinking about how many of our commonly held beliefs and stereotypes can be so far off base.   Why do we insist on limiting ourselves and others with these notions of what we should be? You go, hip hop woman. (This could be an entire blog post, but I’ll let you ponder it without my expert elaboration – for now.)

Entrepreneurial Spirit?

I was driving along, minding my own business, when a vehicle caught my eye.  The license plate said “Lost Temp License.”  The light I was sitting at was a long one, so I had time to think about this.  When the light changed, I got my phone out and got the camera ready then snapped this photo as I was approaching the next light.  In the car was a rather handsome young couple.  When they realized that I was intrigued with them, they proceeded to speed away and turn off onto a side street. I don’t know what they were up to – undoubtedly it was no good.  But I wasn’t thinking about that.   I was wondering about that plate.  Apparently there is a business out there making plastic license plates for the crooks among us.  Is this a legitimate business born of the illegal activities of others, perhaps?  Do people really fall for this stuff?  Doesn’t the fake plate draw more attention than no plate at all?  Was it some sort of social experiment of which I was an unwitting subject?  Yes.  Exactly.  All of that.  Just think about it for a while.  Or not.

Doggone Mission

What is my dog thinking when he goes and goes and goes and goes like this?  He’s not visibly chasing anything – trust me, when he sees a cat or a squirrel I know.  Most of the time when we take our walks he just ambles along, or he catches a whiff of something and goes a short distance at high speed stopping abruptly when the target of his olfactory prowess is at hand, er, paw.  But I really don’t understand these occasional forced marches he takes me on.  It’s clear that he is going somewhere, in search of something – he’s on a mission.  He doesn’t stop to pee, doesn’t pause to smell things, he just goes and goes.  One of these days when I have recovered from this head cold I might just let him take me wherever it is he seems to want to go.  I worry that there isn’t really a destination in his pea-shaped brain and at some point he will wear himself out and I will have to carry him a mile home (this has happened).  Where is he going?  What is it?

I Love a Good Double Entendre…

I love humor that doesn’t smack you in the face.  Don’t draw me a diagram, let me get to the funny on my own.  I love to laugh – it’s good for the soul.  Not too often does something strike me as truly funny, but when something does it is almost always full of unspoken subtext.  I just love a double entendre for this very reason.  I meant what I said AND I meant what I didn’t say.  It’s hilarious.  Like this one.

…And Animal Jokes

Maybe it’s because I almost always know a person that’s just a teensy bit too much like the animal and it just cracks me up to see it presented in a way where it is actually talked about and no one can sue.  For real, people.  You can’t say stuff to people’s faces these days without getting sued for defamation, even if it’s true.  But you can write a joke and put it on the internet without names and everyone will still know who you are talking about without the lawsuit.  I also like the ones that poke fun at all of us, because sometimes you just need to call a cow a cow.  Like this one (you know who you are, so just quit being so uptight and laugh at yourself):

Cows & Politics Explained

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST:  You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:  You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:  You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being successful.  You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.  The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST:  You have two cows.  The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:  You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.  You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  They are mad.  They die. Pass the shepherd’s pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.  You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:  You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.  Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:  There are these two Jewish cows, right?  They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:  You have two cows.  That one on the left is kinda cute.

Maybe I’ll post a recipe later after I’m done watching Miss Congeniality.  Hey, I’m easily amused and entertained.

Go forth and ponder people – and don’t forget to laugh.

4 thoughts on “Ramblings of a Sick Woman

  1. #1- I was driving that car.
    #2-no one here buys lost tag tags. They just write some bullshit on cardboard – if you are in the city of Charlotte you can totally get away with it.
    #3- when you figure out where he’s going, please let us know.
    #6- I would like to join an Italian Corporation with every other weekend in Russia, please.

  2. Got me and myself a good laugh! Also discovered why joggers smiled at me this evening – my hairdo was just like my poodle ‘s…Thanks!

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